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Before You Begin: |
Divorce Tips Checklist
NB A lot of the the links and advice on this page are from the USA.
Divorce First Aid Kit for Fathers
Surviving
Divorce & Separation Informational Section
Interactive Area:
Separation
Issues Message Center
Separation
Interactive Discussion Forum
Separation & Beginning Stages Books:
How to Divorce
as Friends (Audio Cassettes) As Featured On Oprah! You can divorce
as friends! No matter how painful or destructive your relationship is today,
you have the ability to turn your situation around. You can end the conflict
and restore the love, one human being to another. Sound impossible? Well
it's not! It can happen for you.
Why Men Leave?
What Went Wrong? After a relationship ends-whether it's a twenty-year
marriage or a promising romance that proves to be disappointingly fleeting-women
ask this question, again and again. They ask themselves, their girlfriends,
their therapists.
What to Tell
the Kids About Your Divorce This great resource helps parents move beyond
their own anger and hurt to focus on helping their children cope with the
divorce. The practical exercises in this book provide parents with the "hands-on"
tools they need to help their kids get through all the stages of divorce
from the initial separation to later issues of remarriage and step-parenting.
Divorce
Busting A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again.
Marriage-Saving Techniques That: Get Results Within a Month. Focus on Solutions,
Not Problems. Can Be Used Alone or With Your Spouse.
Good People
- Bad Marriages A great resource for everyone contemplating or trying
to understand their divorce. Written from a realistic perspective after years
of examining relationships that lasted longer than they should have.
Perfect
Partners: Should You Stay or Should You Leave? Understand Your
Marriage...Understand Your Divorce...
Understand Your Relationship! Separating is a very difficult decision and
this resource will bring to your attention the key influential factors that
will help you and/or your spouse determine your future.
Affairs: Emergency
Tactics Provides you with emergency tactics to successfully survive the
betrayal. Is your relationship over when you discover that your partner is
having an affair? The book will transport you from discovery of infidelity
to a safe, satisfactory recovery.
The Verbally
Abusive Relationship Almost everyone has heard of or knows someone
who is part of a verbally abusive relationship - if they're not involved
in one themselves. In The Verbally Abusive Relationship, you'll find validation
and understanding - it's not "all in your head" - and encouragement for your
efforts to change the situation.
About Divorce &
Dissolution: 83 Questions & Answers This booklet has been prepared
to inform you of certain rights that you may have in connection with a possible
divorce of your marriage and of certain procedures which would occur in the
event that you choose to have your marriage terminated.
Your Pocket
Divorce Guide An easy-reading book of information, lists, and definitions
written for the stressed-out reader. An uncommonly wise and practical book
packed with essential information for anyone considering divorce. It should
be required reading for all!
100 Answers
to Your Questions on Annulments The Most Comprehensive Collection
of Annulment Information. Everything you need or want to know ranging from
the basics (are you eligible) to the effects of an annulment.
Divorce:
Best Resources to Help You Survive In this guidebook, you'll find
full-page reviews of over 100 resources on divorce, including books, websites,
and more. Use this book as your guide to knowledge, understanding, and confidence
in dealing with the challenges you'll encounter during your divorce.
Divorce for
Dummies Are you wondering whether divorce is really the only option
left? Afraid you'll have to go to court? Worrying about legal costs? Let
Divorce For Dummies' help you get through these trying times. Filled with
sound, practical advice for dealing with all of the legal, financial, and
emotional ramifications of a divorce, this unique resource shows you how
you can work it all out without losing your shirt - or your mind.
Divorce and
the USA Military II This Newly published comprehensive guide for
military members (active duty, reserve/guard, and retired), spouses, and
their attorneys, on the Uniformed Services Former Spouses' Protection Act
(USFSPA).
How to Find
the Right Divorce Lawyer Many people believe that any lawyer can
and will protect them from the potential nightmare of a domestic lawsuit.
In reality, the lawyer can become part of the nightmare instead. You owe
it to yourself-and your kids-to hire the best lawyer possible.
Survival
Manual for Men The fact is, a man in divorce feels overwhelmed.
All too often, he has no one to turn to ask the tough questions: How to find
legal help? What to expect in the courtroom? What about custody rights, common
property, insurance and retirement benefits?
Find out
What Woman are Told & Know About Divorce & Custody The first
and only book of its kind-a complete insider's guide filled with crucial
advice from judges, lawyers, therapists, and mothers who have gone through
this challenging legal process. It is designed for women at every stage of
divorce, and covers a wide range of legal strategies, as well as financial
and psychological issues.
Divorce Against Your Will:
For those who don't want a divorce that has been started
against their will
by Dean Hughson
Some of the saddest e-mails I get are from people who were served divorce papers and from those who's significant other just notified them that they were leaving. They say to me "How do I stop this divorce/breakup? I love this man/woman and I'm hurting."
This subject is something that few people have actually studied. Most therapists and researchers are very confused by divorce... It is a difficult thing to study because it hurts to see up close even as an observer (and even to the person who wants it.) I know that in my case I did all of the wrong things in terms of trying to stop the divorce that my ex-spouse wanted. When she told me (on our wedding anniversary) that she had decided to divorce me I begged, pleaded, and cried that I loved her. I pursued her... Bargained with her... All of the things that if you read "Divorce Busting by Weiner-Davis" you will learn don't work. I say this often but don't lose your dignity during a divorce. You'll 'grimace' later when you realize dumb things you do under the stress of an unwanted divorce.
What seems to work is different for each person. I suggest that you find a therapist who believes in marriage and that marriages can be saved. (A site you may want to visit is Pat Burton's Face to Face Communication). Many therapists are very non-directive about divorce. If you told a therapist you were going to jump off of a 'dock' they would warn you of the pain. However, many of the therapists, when told that a divorce was imminent do nothing. They just do reflective counseling i.e. "What does that mean to you? What will happen if you do it" They rarely say "Are you aware that you will cause some damage to your children with this action? Are you prepared to accept that consequence? I believe in marriage and think divorce is something that should be reserved for tragic cases where their is alcoholism/drug abuse/or mental illness that are chronic and the person unwilling to change."
Why don't therapists express their opinions about the damage of divorce? The reason is that therapy is a business and if you don't make your customers happy they leave you. A person who verbalizes a divorce/breakup has usually made the decision to do it and they are looking for someone to help them do it. The therapist unwittingly does that by their silence or unspoken approval.
Don't get me wrong. After 4 years of divorce and meeting thousands of folks involved in divorce, there are some good divorces: marriages that just weren't meant to be. But I think that FEW marriage problems can't be worked out and the chaos that divorce causes our families, communities, and society are terrible and should be avoided.
Once a partner talks divorce or separation the magic in the relationship is gone for the other often unsuspecting partner. Even if you go back, the relationship will change because the trust has been broken and it will take hard work to make the relationship 'whole' again.
For the person who has someone who refuses to divorce them and you are absolutely certain, no doubts, that you want to divorce the person be honest with them. Don't have sex with them. Don't promise 'maybe in the future we'll be back together.' Go to a therapist with them and say "This is it. There is no hidden meaning. We are divorcing. Let's figure out how to do this without destroying our children." If they refuse to leave you alone, get a court injunction and get on with your life and in the same way, let the other person get on with theirs. Again, I would reserve this option for those who have a mentally ill partner, physically abusive partner, or one who can't stop a damaging behavior like alcoholism, drug addiction.
You have my prayers and best wishes if you are an unfortunate, like I was, who got a divorce thrown at them that they didn't want. Look at my recovery list and take care of yourself. Recovery is painful but the rewards are sweet. Indeed, as hard as it seems right now for you, there is someone for you in the future - even an overweight, middle-aged guy like me found love again and so will you if you open your heart, work on your recovery, and work on showing love.
By Dean Hughson
Be sure to visit:
Ask
the Divorced Guy!
Ask
the Divorced Woman!
A
Primer for Divorce
Self Improvement
Online
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