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Divorce Tips Checklist for Fathers
DISCLAIMER: This is not legal advice. For legal advice, consult with a lawyer.

DIVORCE TIP FOR FATHERS # 1

The following may be the single most important reasons why you are not achieving a fair and amicable end to your divorce problems.

INSIGHT NO.1: Men are rarely advised how to strategise using the intimate knowledge of their situation and their spouse. This is the most powerful resource you have, if it's used properly.

INSIGHT NO.2: If you are not following your plan. you're following someone elses-maybe a friends, family member or your lawyer. Perhaps an assessor, mediator or judge using their authority to impose their " what they believe ‘could' work."

INSIGHT NO. 3:When you let your emotions get the better of you, those with legal authority may be asked to intervene, even if you know in your heart that their plan is unworkable.

INSIGHT NO. 4: Someone elses plan may not be in line with the best interests of your children or your goals to maintain your family ties.

INSIGHT NO. 5: You may be working against your own best interests and not even realize it.
You may be dealing with someone who is unreasonable. You may not know what is best to do because you lack the experience. You may feel trapped, pressured and angry that no one can help you or explain to you how to make the best of a bad situation or how to make things right. You may believe that no solution is possible.

So. how do you begin to unravel your divorce problems?

INSIGHT NO. 6: You need a core strategy, which is a primary means of solving a problem. It's a plan of action designed to move forward to the result you want. For example. one successful, yet very simple ‘core strategy' during divorce is to maintain or create on open line of communication with your spouse. Such communication must be well thought-out and non-confrontational focused on possible co-parenting solutions. Alternately if faced with a recalcitrant wife, this approach lends credibility to the father's claim that he is focused on the best interest of the children.

INSIGHT NO.7: Accept responsibility for your part of the divorce. Don't blame your wife- you'll loose big most of the time. Judges hear the same stories eveny day-it's always the other persons fault. So if mom has the kids and they ‘seem' to be okay, they won't upset the apple cart, unless you distinguish yourself from what they see every day. Successful custodial fathers know and use this along with other strategies to level the playing field.

INSIGHT NO. 8: There are five main steps to your new core strategy:

1. Assume responsibility for your situation. Know that you can be a part of your child's life. Refuse to believe otherwise. Look for evidence that supports that belief.
2. Take action. Educate yourself as to what tools, products/services and options are available, make plans and follow them.
3. Learn how to quickly size people up and if they are supportive. Learn the art of persuasion. Learn how to influence people. Think the best rather than the worst. People naturally want to help others.
4. Ask yourself: "Is what I'm doing working?" If it isn't, change your strategy until you start moving in the direction you want them to.
5. Find support. Talk with men who have succeeded. Find a support group or one-on-one counselling to help you create new ideas and strategies that enpower YOU.

DIVORCE TIP FOR FATHERS # 2

If you're in court soon, remember the following steps:

• STEP NO I: Be respectful, don't talk out of turn (you'll annoy the judge). Listen to what is being said, especially by the judge and your spouses lawyer. You are there to listen to one another. If you interrupt, it reflects poorly on you. If your spouse does not respond while you interrupt, you've handed her powerful ammunition-iudges generally form impressions quickly; that's their job!
• STEP NO 2: Remember that in most situations, you are both good parents. it's just the emotions of divorce getting in the way. When it's your turn to speak, if you've done something you shouldn't have, accept responsibility and apologize to your spouse and the court. Many couples blame each other in front of the judge. DON'T DO THIS!!! Put yourself in the judges position; they sit there day after day listening to people fight. Most judges have heard every excuse for abdicating responsibility and why it's the others fault. When someone accepts responsibility, it's music to a judges ears.
• STEP NO 3: Be sincere. Ask that these comments are placed on the record. Explain that like most people you and your wife may have succumbed to the emotional pressures of divorce; that you've come to grips with this realization while waiting to come to court; that you know in your heart that you and your wife are good parents who love your children; that you are willing to do what ever it takes to make the best of a bad situation, because the kids love and need both of you; that you want to peacefully resolve each and every issue by negotiation as soon as your wife can meet with you; that a refusal on her part be considered evidence that she is not acting in the children's best interests and that you be awarded interim custody until she is ready to mediate the issues.
• STEP NO 4: Make a sincere good will gesture in front of the judge. For example. agree to something she really wants, that has been in your power to give her. Demonstrate to the judge that revenge isn't what motivates you. REMEMBER, someone has to make the first move when things are deadlocked and heading for trial. You'll strengthen your case if you do it first, especially in front of the judge.
• STEP NO 5: Sincerely ask the judge for help and guidance. Tell the judge you need help to defuse the situation and that any advice he/she could offer to both you and your wife would be deeply appreciated. Mean each and every- word you say! Don't try to put one over on a judge-they'll see through you every time. Remember you and your children may pay dearly for it.

DIVORCE TIP FOR FATHERS # 3

During a custody assessment, a mediation session, or in court in front of a judge, you are evaluated by what you say. Have you ever said the following:

"My wife is a good and loving parent who means well, and wants to protect the children from the effects of divorce. Perhaps she just needs some time to deal with her anger. I'm sure with some time and good advice we can work out a good co-parenting arrangement that the children will settle into comfortably."

"I've learned through counselling that it's normal in divorce to need time to heal. In the meantime though, I'm hoping that giving her time and space, honoring my obligation to provide for the children, remaining as involved with them as circumstances will permit, We can eventually get to the time business of co-parenting the kids. After all I'm still their dad. They should not be denied all of the parenting available to them"

"We are both very good parents. With strong encouragement from the court, in the form of an order. I'm very confident we can mediate our differences. As evidenced in my interim offer to settle, this has always been my attitude. I'm asking that we be granted joint legal and physical custody and be ordered into open mediation, so we may work out the details,"

"My offer of settlement is just that "an offer". All of it's terms are open and subject to any reasonable counter offer mv wife wishes to make in an ordered mediation. As we brought forward through expert affidavit, my plans are reasonable, workable and realistic, capable of meeting the children's best interest. Of course your Honour. I would readily accept any advice you could offer from your years of experience on how such plans could be improved upon.

"In the alternative, if my wife refuses to mediate and persist in denying the children parenting time with their father, then I'm requesting Your Honour to accept this as evidence that my wife is incapable of providing for the children's best interest at this time. Therefore, in the alternative. I'm asking for an order of interim sole custody until such time as my wife is ready to mediate our differences."

If you haven't said any of the above, the chances are this is why you have lost-because you have played right into the typical divorce situation: Mom and Dad blame each other-Mom gets custody.

DIVORCE TIP FOR FATHERS # 4

Getting focused on' the real issues' and dealing with them is the most difficult part of divorce for fathers. Unraveling what is really driving a bitter divorce is essential to a successful conclusion. Successful custodial dads work on unraveling, prioritizing and strategies simultaneously.

Using the same principals as the martial artist, they guide an opponents force back to the opponent. An opportunity to defuse your situation can be created by adopting the attitude: "It's just a divorce your Honour. We've been angry because our marriage failed. Though divorce is a painful time. Time will help us heal our wounds. Meanwhile, our concern should be on our children. Our focus should be to help the kids make the transition our family is facing. I'm confident we can all agree this is to be the most important issue in this divorce."

This may get a judges attention. It's an unusual approach. It's not the standard ranting, raving or discrediting of the spouse that goes to court day in, day out-which is the major reason why men loose. They play into their wives strategy rather then focusing on their own stategy. A far more appropriate strategy may to prove your own parental fitness, rather than being perceived as blaming your wife for the entire divorce. This is called "refraining the argument in a positive light." It can be a key way to win influence with those in legal positions to decide the issues. Influence can be as powerful as hard evidence-sometimes more so.

When someone likes you, it becomes easier to convince them that your view is valid. Read Dale Carnigie's book." How to Win Friends and lnfluence People"-an excellent consolidation on what influence is, how to get it and use it well. Another important book is, "Getting Ready to Negotiate; The Getting to Yes Workbook, a step by step guide to preparing for any negotiation." written by Harvard Law School Negotiation Project members Roger Fisher and Dannv Ertel. Finally, check out famed lawyer Jerry Spence's recent book, "How to Argue and Win," Mr. Spence has not lost a criminal trial in his entire 41 Year career, nor a civil trial in over 25 years. He is a master at the art of influence. These books are available at bookstores and libraries.

DIVORCE TIPS FOR FATHERS # 5

A custodv battle can be very heated. You'll need to learn what "dirty tricks" have been used against fathers and how to diffuse them. The key to diffusing "dirty tricks" is to anticipate them and head them off before they gain momentum. Do not act inappropriately under any circumstances-this will just enpower your opponent. You do so at your own expense.

For example. a common pattern is having your access/visitation denied with claims of a child's illness, or other scheduled activities, an overnight sleep over with a school friend, etc. Here is an example of one possible strategy:

1. Begin a parenting diary. It's primary focus is to track positive aspects of your parenting, interactions, plans with your children and spouse. It's secondary focus is to track all data related to the denial and interference of your access/visitation with the children.
2. Always refer to your access/visitation as "parenting time" -it will change the way you feel about it and project a much more positive and appropriate description of what the time is about, how you feel about vour children and vise-versa with the police, mediators and judges.
3. If "parenting time" is denied regularily. draft up a "Notice of Exercising Parenting Time" prior to each upcoming parenting time period. This notice consists of the facts surrounding the time period; who, what, were, when and why. This document is filed with the clerk of the court and served as per the rules of the court. When "parenting time" is denied, a "Notice of Denial of Parenting Time" is similarity drafted, filed and served. Fathers have found that in many instances, even though the notices have no legal binding power, they can be a persuasive tool for changing the pattern of denial, without any further involvement of the court. The denying parent realizes that the Court has strong documented evidence that they are not facilitating the child's relationship with the other parent, as is their legal obligation.
4. If negotiation, mediation or court becomes necessary, a conciliatory attitude by Dad and the use of these court filed documents goes a long way to helping the other parents' lawyer, mediator or judge to see the true extent of parental misbehavior by a recalcitrant spouse.

DIVORCE TIPS FOR FATHERS # 6

The secret to creating and winning joint/sole custody begins in your heart and mind. Your choice of words, the quality of your beliefs, your self talk (the way you describe life to yourself). How low self-esteem produces poor self-talk which can lead to doing poorly in court.

Many fathers who have little success in court may have followed some of these patterns:

• Denial-couldn't accept or adapt to change readily,
• Viewed their wife as the enemy/always discredit her.
• Blame everyone else-didn't accept responsibility.
• Came to hasty and wrong conclusions often.
• Believe family court runs like a "Perry Mason" episode.
• Believe they ‘d be absolutely vindicated in court.
• Follow- one strategy-obsessively, collect evidence.
• Failed to recognize how they harmed their case.
• Abdicated all responsibility to their lawyer.
• Focused on their divorce to the exclusion of anything else.
• Became too shell-shocked to escape the divorce treadmill.

However, many Dads who have been successful in court learned to adopt some of these effective attitudes:

• Were realistic about their situation and planned accordingly
• Realized it takes time to heal; protected their interests quietly.
• Accepted 50% responsibility for the failure of the marriage.
• Drew right conclusions more often then not.
• Were eager to learn how to work within the legal system.
• Believed mediation was an effective way to resolve the details.
• Found and followed strategies that produced results.
• Recognized and acted when they were harming their case.
• Refused to abdicate all responsibility to their lawyer.
• Maintained a balance of healthy interest. during the process.
• Learned how to "take time out" from the divorce treadmill.

Custodial fathers often cite the decision to remain active in their children's lives as the pivotal decision from which all others flowed. One father put it this way: "Once I decided to seek joint cutstody, I found what I needed to make it happen. I focused on parenting the children first.
Every other aspect of the divorce became secondary to their needs."

Shifting the focus and remaining flexible to opportunities and possibilities is critical to successful conclusions in divorce matters. Anger can make you feel tense; physical activity such as a brisk walk, jogging or swimming can reduce stress/tension and ultimatelv help clear your mind.

Daily exercise helps induce clarity of thought, focus and effectiveness in highly charged divorce situations. Astute fathers make daily exercise one aspect of their divorce strategy in order to maintain open mindedness to new- strategies and solutions that are needed to be utilized.

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Divorce First Aid Kit for Fathers

List of Links to Helpful Information on Divorce